For years, I had my suspicions, though I never really looked into it, partially because I feared being right. Then a video popped up on my YouTube feed recently and I watched it — and subsequently got sucked down a rabbit hole. Hearing the alleged symptoms of ADHD, some of which I had never heard of before, really got me thinking.
Motivational issues. Emotional dysregulation. Distractability and hyperfocus. Daydreaming all day. Sleep issues. Anxiety and depression.
At first I didn’t think the hyperactivity part of the equation fit well until I learned that it can be inverted, particularly in adults — one may not be behaviorally hyperactive, in other words, but mentally hyperactive. In my case, that undoubtedly fits the bill. My brain never shuts up and I daydream all fucking day.
I knew there had to be a test online, but I wanted to make sure it was a test from a legitimate source, so I messaged a girl I know who’s a therapist and she provided me a link. I dodged taking the test for days until I finally sat down and took it. I scored a 40 out of 58. I was one point passed the “Attention Deficit Disorder Possible” camp and one point into the “Attention Deficit Disorder Likely” camp, which is to say that people who answer similarly to me on the test typically qualify for a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD.
Of course, I would have to see a therapist to get a proper diagnosis. And perhaps I don’t have it after all, but if I do and can get on medication, maybe I can get a better grip on my emotions, fire up my focus and motivation and get myself closer to where I fucking should be at 42 years of age.
Chronicles of a Madman. 